Finding Myself Again

I didn’t understand why I felt so compelled to change my name after my divorce. I literally had never changed it back to my maiden name for thirty plus years, but the urge was so strong, so I went through all the steps to change it. The day I went to court it was obvious, God knew that it was needed, and it was then at that moment I understood the healing that had to take place. See, I had spent most of my adult life running away from Kimberly Williams and that day I took her back. In this identity/name change I found the little girl who thought she wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough to be loved so for a lifetime I had tried to look for love and validation from others, thus spending most of my adult life with toxicity and narcissistic men. I, in the midst, of an avalanche of feelings remembered my devotion earlier that simply was “Be still and know” Psalm 46:10 so there I was laughing, crying, and realizing how I had run so far away from all those feelings of my childhood. Stopped, was still in His Presence and began to totally embrace my inner child. I told her that God so loved her, that she was fearfully and wonderfully made by Him. I told her how sorry I was for not healing her and running for all these long years. Then and right there I truly felt like I was holding this little girl. I told her how beautiful and intelligent she was and to never be afraid of who she is because she shines like a bright diamond.

Chasing love that’s not truly real love has been a miserable and disappointing lifestyle. Because true love first comes from knowing our Heavenly Father and secondly loving ourselves even the broken torn messes that we are or become. Self-love and knowing our Heavenly Father’s love for us are crucial to every aspect of our lives without these components we are shallow and not truly capable of true relationships. So while I grieved a marriage and life I no longer have, I also grieved so much wasted time not loving this girl because she was beautiful, kind, smart, and so loving and caring. This girl has grown into a woman that realizes worth, love and relationships are better formed as healthy healed adults and so looking forward to what lies ahead of her with the biggest smile on her face and happiest heart. From that day forward I have proudly stated my full name Kimberly Williams with the absolute biggest smile on my face. Because that afternoon, I made real peace with the child and identity I had for so long run from.