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During the last few weeks, the epiphany of how God’s mercy and grace never stops became apparent once again when I was preparing for a Bible study. This was over 1 and 2 Kings, Trustworthy by Lysa Terkheurst. One of the scenes of the video is at the ruins of the temple. When I saw this, it was astonishing to see how all these Kings were allowed to rule the people even though they had guidelines to go by they still ALL fell short and failed themselves, the people and God. When you stop and think about this from another perspective. The whole issue behind demanding a human king was that the people rejected God’s way of ruling. They couldn’t pray, obey, and wait on His perfect timing and their jealousy of the other nations around them which were not “chosen” people or set apart as they were called to be they wanted to be like the other nations and by doing so they also rejected their unique “set a part” position as God’s people. Another wonderful tidbit is that the temples were never meant to be forever. God loves us all so much that although there are ruins, He died on the cross to be able to give us His Holy spirit to dwell within us. Thus, no need for temples and sacrifices. Well, all this certainly hit home to me because we as we all do life sometimes do our own thing instead of relying on God’s certain Will and purpose for our lives. I definitely always took matters into my own hands thus the multitudes of bad decisions and terrible relationships. So, when I reflected on the ruins, I see my past and all the messes I made not seeking His Will and purpose. But God, in His infinite love and mercy always brought forth something good out of those “terriblenesses”. For example, my first two marriages were not prayed for, nor did I ask for Godly wisdom, but He gave me my two best precious gifts ever, my children. My whole entire life is a pile of ruins, but He’s brought me through to this healing journey where my testimony hopefully encourages those they can and will be happy and that in Glorifying Him in this testimony everyone sees His abundance of love and mercy.

God truly turns out something good in our worst circumstances even when we don’t see it immediately. So, we have a choice to sit and reflect on the all the bad in our lives or see God’s wondrous mercies and goodness and have complete and utter joy that we survived our bad mistakes with specks of goodness even in the valleys. I choose the joy that through each rescue I was able to see His goodness and feel immensely blessed to be on this side of all those terrible times. Even more blessed to be free of the shame I held onto so that I can write here and hopefully encourage those still struggling with trauma or abuse. Healing can be difficult at times but so worth it and we all are worthy of living a happy and thriving life.

So, if you are one of those looking at the ruins of your life with disdain and regret you miss the mark of what God’s really done in your life. Look closer but remember that refining means that although we are tested and tried, our suffering and brokenness in our valleys make us grow spiritually and closer to Him than we’ve ever been, for me this makes it all worth it. There are many scriptures that speak of this refinement such as Isaiah 48:10 and Malachi 3:2 just to mention a few. The refining process is where the precious metal is taken through fire and the components of this metal will only separate through high temperatures. When the desired temperature is reached the components separate and the precious metal can be retrieved. Folks through our refinement and healing the precious parts of us, our testimonies, our stories can be seen and told for others to be encouraged and helped along their way. The precious metal that God is retrieving from us is the very best of us. The part of each of us that has walked through the fire and valley and came out refined and serving His purposes. I’m overwhelmed by His goodness in my messes, and I hope that you too can look back and see His goodness too.

I’m so very glad you are here with me on this healing journey. Blessings until the next time.

I sure hope that you all had a great holiday season. I did. I enjoyed every second spent with my family. I did, however, have a “different” New Year’s Eve this year. I spent it sitting in feelings and emotions that wouldn’t leave my thoughts, so I just prayed and sat with them. Nothing bad or hurtful just layers of grief for several things. God never ceases to amaze me by literally stilling me in whatever I need to sit with, and it honestly feels that He’s holding me while I sit with the thoughts and feelings. One of those grief feelings was that I lost my fur baby last year at this time and I sure miss him. I can see another black lab and I lose my breath at times. I had and loved this baby for 16 years. The other grief was that I had lost so much valuable time not being who I was purposed to be in my faith and more time lost to running away from the pain of trauma for my lifetime. The other grief was that I am just now at 59 years old and finally happy for the first time in my entire life. Like why I had to wait until now and goodness gracious at all the pain. Of course, this was all the enemy. He was trying to convince me that I couldn’t make a difference in lives or that it was too late for me to be truly happy with myself or anyone else. This all was on the upcoming full moon and mercury retrograde and I obviously needed to sit alone with God. The enemy will use any weapon he can find to stop you from moving forward into God’s plans. At any rate, here I was feeling healed and broken and a hot mess all at the same time. This is where I’m sure that all of us can be at no matter where we are in our healing journey or our faith and service to God. I listened to praise music, journaled, and prayed that night. It was much needed and in this time a song came on “Same God” by Elevation. I just sang it all out! “My God, My God, I need you now….” kept it on repeat and just let it the lyrics of God’s goodness wash all over me. As I was journaling, I realized these “feelings” are normal at times and just part of why we walk by faith and God’s plan. If we allow Him to sit and still us and let Him cover us with His promises and love, we overcome the enemy’s lies and deceptions. I could have easily fell into the enemy’s trap and wallowed in pity and pain and not continue to work in God’s purpose and plan for my life. Instead, after sitting still with the Lord, I was filled with an even greater desire and hunger for Him and the purpose and cause He has placed onto my heart and soul.

You see we can be healing and still feel broken at the same time. Our healing is not a destination we reach where we are perfect and whole. We may feel peace and happiness but it’s not the destination but the journey whereby we continue to grow in our faith and knowledge of healing. It is also where we touch others lives around us with our knowledge and God’s love. Within this journey we have to learn to accept and embrace all those “feelings and emotions” that may break us for a time but as we heal, we rebuild. Everything a person has endured through their trauma or heartache has a learning experience that will derive from it, allowing those feelings that we once ran from to be apart of our lives is hard and daunting but so worth it to be able to move forward into true happiness and acceptance of ourselves.

So, I realized that night, that I hadn’t wasted time or got things wrong. This was indeed God’s plan and perfect timing for my life. I’m so very glad that He is using this hot mess for His purpose to help encourage, educate, and love on others just like me on this healing journey. So glad you are here with me. Blessings to you and yours until the next time.

Happy New Year’s Eve.

I can’t believe I’m writing the last post of this year! God never ceases to amaze me of His pure awesomeness. I always go back and take a look at my old journal entries and man oh man the changes that have taken place over the last two years. I literally left the shame, pain, lies, and bad energies and moved into a real authentic happy life. Literally from dread and fear of a new year in the past to this very day of anticipation and excitement of what the new year brings. That fear that has gripped me probably has held you as well….That friends, is our enemy.

Now I won’t lie to you folks, over the last month or so I’ve had the enemy ride on my shoulder and do the best to condemn, confuse and right out scare me to death. I felt the Lord nudge me to give my testimony and although I don’t think it’s any different from anyone else’s the Lord had His reasons for wanting me to follow through. I feel mainly because there aren’t enough of us educated on codependency and those of us who will likely be vocal over the abuses and trauma we’ve endured and healing from. So, as I reflected over all my years and typed them out little by little the enemy kept slipping the deception into me. I became more than terrified but in the end God won! For those who don’t know me personally, I have been leading a women’s codependency group for our Celebrate Recovery at Redemption Church. If you have any addictions whether its alcohol, drugs, porn, shopping, or any other habit we would love to have you. We have a wonderful group of people wanting to show you Christ and how He helped them overcome their habits. With that being said, I did manage to overcome the enemy’s lies and gave my story two weeks ago. My prayer that night as well as every time I make a post here is that if just one person is touched by what I’ve overcome with God’s mercy, grace, and love then it’s all been worth it. When we come to the year end and with the holidays behind us there are folks out there still battling with their addictions and/or in those destructive relationships and it’s at this time the walls and fears all come crashing around them. I sincerely pray for those people. I also want to say if you are one of those people reading this today and you don’t know who to reach out and want to email me from this blog and if I can’t help you, I will find someone who can.

God has been with me in every step of my life even when I ran from Him. He’s rescued me from things and people I had no reason or rhyme to be involved with. One of the most important things we can do as we recover and heal from our pain is share our story. We never know who is battling the same exact thing we’ve overcome. Unfortunately, we hide from doing so due to shame and fear. I’ve said this before, God does not want us to live in fear or shame. I did this for so long but no more. If I need to shout from the roof tops to help another human get through their pain and trauma well, here I am. It’s been a blessing to be here writing on this blog. I’ve had many people who it has touched, and I couldn’t be more grateful to God for that. There’s absolutely no shame or regret in my life anymore. Only thriving from here on. I pray that for my reader today and always that you don’t just survive it but thrive! As always, so very grateful for you being on this journey along with me.

Let’s make this our thriving year together!

As always it seems lately what I set out to write about suddenly changes. But that’s ok that just means the Lord thinks someone out there needs to read this message. The holidays, birthdays, actually any special occasion that we hold dear in our hearts can and most likely will be ruined by a toxic partner or family member. This statement breaks my heart for all the years I’ve lost to toxicity and especially for those reading this today that are still in their toxic relationships. What should normally be a fun filled time for couples or families ends up being full of tension and pain.

I cringe remembering my mother picking arguments with my daddy or my physical abuser starting arguments to either leave or a means to hit me or my mental abuser deliberately saying or doing things that would hurt me. It would never fail that I planned something special for our kids and grandchildren and he would start an argument the night before and say he wanted a divorce to then give me the silent treatment or be unkind the day of the event. My family and I decorated Christmas cookies last weekend, and I couldn’t help remembering the last time I attempted this while I was still married. What I described above is exactly what he did. Mind games, manipulations, gaslighting, and downright mean behavior.

I’m so grateful for the wonderful and peaceful holiday seasons and special occasions now and being able to plan fun things with my family without them being sabotaged by toxicity. I’ve been told that my happiness and joy radiate from me and well it’s definitely been a long time coming. I’ve said this before, but I literally have spent my entire life in toxicity and trauma, so my mind and body have been in fight or flight mode all this time. It’s a real pleasure to come home to my apartment and be at total peace with myself and life. I decorated for Christmas the first week of November and have been playing Christmas music or praise music while wrapping gifts with a big smile on my face! This would not have happened previously.

The Lord truly wants each of us to be happy and joyful in Him and with ourselves, it’s been liberating to not worry about what anyone else thinks or says but for me to truly live for my audience of One. Learning self-worth and self-respect are key when healing from our trauma. This also helps when we set boundaries in our lives. I say all that to say this as well, this time especially around the holidays are a time that those past toxic folks like to come back around to see if they may still have a place in your life. This is called a hoover. Hoovers are a manipulation tool. They beg, fake apologize, use guilt, or shame, and usually make empty promises. Guard your heart and mind and above all remember that it’s better to be alone than alone in a toxic nightmare relationship.

I have followers that are still in their toxic relationships and my heart truly breaks for what they endure. I ask that whoever reads this stops and says a prayer for these folks. And for the folks battling any addiction. These folks are also in a battle not to use their drug of choice during this time. Like I previously stated, the holidays are times the toxic becomes even worse. Father God, I pray for each person reading this message today and for those still dealing with toxicity in their lives or battling addictions of any kind. Father, please comfort and touch these people allow them to feel your presence and give them peace that only You can give. Please keep each safe with Your protection. Amen.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. I’m so grateful you are on this journey with me!

During my first days and weeks of realizing I was trauma bonded from mental abuse, I soon found lots of information on being targeted and what had made me such a target. I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I never wanted to be a target again and would do whatever it took to not allow this to happen again. So, let’s roll up our sleeves and dig into this codependency issue. Codependency was never mentioned in therapy, so my digging and research is how I actually realized I had been codependent my entire life.

These behaviors were developed in my childhood due to my mother’s toxic behaviors. Striving to be “better” to receive her love and admiration. Always reaching for something better to receive what should be an unconditional love develops into people pleasing, repressing feelings and actions, trying to “fix” everything to be perfect, tolerating mistreatment, not having healthy boundaries, having high anxiety over everything said or done due to not feeling good enough, and having extreme loyalty even when situations are harmful. Of course, codependency looks different for everyone. These behaviors I listed were mine that I developed. Along with those behaviors also comes shame and fear. God does not want us to allow the enemy to trick us into being shameful or fearful. We can and should live without that the enemy’s bondage to heal and thrive.

An overall definition of codependency is basically an emotional and behavioral condition that affects the individual’s ability to have healthy relationships, it’s also known as a relationship addiction due to forming relationships that are one sided or emotionally unhealthy or abusive in nature. This being said, I am the poster child for this so-called addiction due to the multitudes of unhealthy relationships I’ve experienced. This has been my problem for being targeted in every single relationship. No boundaries, no self-worth, people pleasing fixer, empath, and INJF personality placed a bullseye right on me. So, let’s look at what to do if you find yourself codependent.

I, first of all, educated myself on the characteristics of codependency. I realized that I had to end this behavior so that I could heal and thrive. I began setting healthy boundaries and because I was trauma bonded, I went no contact with my abuser. Breaking a trauma bond is not fun at all. You are literally addicted to the merry go round of emotions they inflicted on you. Much like having a heroin or other substance addiction. It’s a cycle of abuse that is so difficult to break from. When it finally broke, I felt like 100 pounds had been lifted from me.

Peeling back layer after layer, I realized my lack of healing and education on these behaviors had led me down a lifelong path to destruction of myself. But with God, education, great supportive friends and family I have healed greatly and no longer a people pleasing fixer with no boundaries and no self-worth. I tell people all the time now with the absolute biggest smile on my face that I’ve never been happier in my life. I’m thriving and living my best life now and I know that not being codependent requires my daily thoughts and prayers of conscious positive behaviors to maintain and not revert backwards. With God on this journey with me absolutely nothing is impossible. As always, my prayer for whoever is reading this is to be blessed beyond measure and if I can recover from all the mess I’ve endured, YOU can too! So very glad you’re with me on this continuing journey of healing!

I recently made a blog post about boundaries and how important they are to us and more importantly that they are biblical. Well, I have been blessed to be on yet another book launch team for Lysa Terkeurst and her latest book titled, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes”. I can tell you that in my opinion this is absolutely her best book to date. Because she has been through what you and I have she writes with a total relatable sense as if she is in front of you speaking directly to you. “Boundaries help us say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and establish what is and isn’t acceptable.” She totally gives us a road map of what good Biblical boundaries look like why they are so very important to each of us and also uses therapeutic wisdom from her own therapist to offer guidance insight as well.  This book is a must for those of us who struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries. Sometimes those goodbyes when our boundaries are not accepted are hard but necessary to ourselves. This means that finding yourself in the healing journey and loving that self is knowing when to say goodbye to people and things that no longer serve in your best interest.

In my own struggle for finding the true Kimberly I’ve grown into a very thankful and grateful woman. Not that I haven’t always been grateful but now I’m grateful for me and who I am and who I am becoming. I know I’ve written his before but it’s so important to the person on their healing journey to look back with gratitude and not shame or regret and grasp the goodness of the outcomes of each bad decision or crisis. God is in the redemption business friends. He takes what the enemy meant for harm/evil and turns lessons into blessons. Lessons and blessings equal blessons. This my friends is what God intends for us all. He wants us to take our brokenness and stories to speak truth into the lives of those around us. I have encountered countless people that have spoken truth to me whether or not I wanted to believe it at the time or not, but the seed was planted and at the right moment appointed by God, all was clear. This weekend I was with my daughter and asked her what she thought about something I had been praying about and her words were, “you’ve just answered your own question.”  I do love it how my kiddos always point me in the right direction. I’ve also had the privilege to speak truths as well. It’s really nice to be known for speaking the whole truth nothing but the truth! Knowing truth generally speaking, is knowing God and His truth. For myself that alignment takes a lot of work. Constant focus on His truth sometimes means leaving the worldly truth out of the equation. When a friend calls you and says I need to be honest, and I need your truth, you roll up your sleeves and do your best. I did indeed speak truth even if it might have stung a bit, but I pray the Holy Spirit leads this friend to healing and peace.

Sometimes we have to show people Jesus before we show them truth. I’ve had many in my journey over the last 10 to 15 years see and know the truth of my pain but point me to the cross first and I’m so glad they did because in His truth I found obedience to Him not the world or what the world wanted me to do and in His perfect time, His perfect will was in place. I’m truly happier than I’ve ever been in my life and I’m so very excited for what He is doing in and through me and will be doing in the future.

I’m ever so grateful for you being here with me on this journey and I pray you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving! And don’t forget to spread those blessons.

I’m often asked, “Do you have any regrets or if there were something that I would change about myself?” No, I do not and I don’t want to change anything about myself. And it’s usually met with ohhhhhh, so you like the way you’ve spent your life in pain and unhealing? And you like your flaws? I absolutely love the woman I have become and will continue to grow to be and I wouldn’t change a thing in my past because frankly it’s made me who I am today. The healing unapologetically ME.

You see there are things, places, and people that have been on the joy ride with me that if the circumstances were different, I wouldn’t have had in my life. For example, Honeybee. Honeybee is a former mother-in-law and a woman that has had a true and remarkable affect on me. She is the epitome of a Proverbs 31 woman. She is well loved and respected in her town and family. I have the utmost respect for her. In fact, I’ve always told her I wanted her to be my mother. She taught me by example what it looks like to have grief beyond comprehension and hold tight to faith. Crisis after crisis has tried to take her down but she still holds her head high and declares the goodness of God. She has been my role model to this day. I’m ever so grateful for the bond we share. I know that I can call her at anytime and she will be a prayer warrior.

I could also take back the pain of bad decisions and relationships, but I wouldn’t have my two amazing children. They have been my true treasures. As a mother of two amazing adults, they are my proudest accomplishments. Growing up in toxicity I never wanted to raise children like I had been raised. Although they did encounter trauma in my bad relationships, I never treated them as my mother treated me as a matter of fact, I did the exact opposite. They were protected from the men that were supposed to be their fathers and loved beyond measure by me.  I wanted them to succeed in all areas in their lives and without the influence of these men.

I truly believe there is always purpose in our pain. Without struggle, pain, and problems we don’t grow. Without growth we sit stagnated. This is not what life is about nor is it God’s plan. He’s accounted for every wrong turn and terrible decision I’ve made. Bless His heart, I know He must be worn slap out from me. But then to lead, guide and direct me into who I am despite the pain is amazing. Healing for me has been incredibly humbling. And I will say this here again, I don’t believe we ever reach a “I’m totally healed” moment. I think that it’s a lifelong journey. I’m just super glad that I have God and my faith to carry me through this healing journey. It’s a true adventure. So glad you are here following with me!

Have you ever gone through certain events in your life whether it be a parent, friend, child or even yourself that has endured sickness, accident or hardship and heard them say “why me?” or even yourself saying this? Well, I’ve often said this myself and a really special friend of mine turned that around for me when he became sick with cancer and while he was fighting this dreadfulness said, “why not me?” This became my mantra after we all watched him fight his battle to ultimately win his healing with Jesus. He chose to spread the Gospel and praise God through his sickness to bring the lost to Jesus. He spread his joy even in his sickness to show God’s light and mercy.

In my “Be Still” moment this morning with our Heavenly Father,  it became clear that my “why not me?” has been the source to tell my story of trauma, abuse, and healing and with that is an incredible sense of gratefulness. It sounds strange to say that I’m thankful for the trauma and pain but honestly, I wonder if I would be the person, I am right this minute without it. So, I’m grateful for it all. Grateful that the Lord has placed it in my heart to encourage, advocate, and write here. Grateful for my precious family that surrounds me with their love and support. My beautiful daughter went through her own heartbreak right before my divorce and still had the patience and love to be next to me through it all. My precious son and daughter in love and grandboys are always so loving and full of fun all this even makes me more grateful. Grateful for so many friends in the last few years that prayed and encouraged me along the way. I even had a friend tell me that I was a powerful woman, and I really didn’t understand at the time probably because I was trauma bonded but there is real power in starting over and in true healing. She like so many others I have in my life saw things in me I could not. I believe the real power comes from allowing God to turn our messes into His beauty and masterpieces. By allowing Him to guide me through the healing I have His power which to me is the best kind to have. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He brings out goodness even when we think there is nothing but darkness. Such as Romans 8:28 states “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purposes.”  This goodness is for His purposes and His glory. When I look at my past traumas and heartbreak and see them as steppingstones to my healing it’s not all in vain but a catalyst for His glory and greater purposes. So today I’m truly grateful for it all, and thankful that I have Him to guide me.

I’ve been asked so many questions the last few weeks about dealing with mental abuse so I thought I would share a bit about this subject. I want to, first of all, say that since I have dealt with both mental and physical abuse, and I am by no means certified I can only share my story about these issues. My experience with physical abuse and the research I have done on this suggests that physical abuse begins usually with mental abuse which involves grooming and love bombing. The folks that are not physically abusive are great with the love bombing stage or the grooming phase. The love bombing/grooming phase which consists of a constant showering of attention, sometimes gifts, and future faking.  This phase is a series of manipulative acts that includes befriending, setting up the emotional connection and gaining trust. This phase is a baiting of the victim is a personalized idealization where the personal background and past hurts will be used later in the cycle. In other words, their words will never meet their actions or intentions. This is where the “mask” is their fake façade. The narcissist uses cycles of love bombing or idealization, devaluation, and rejection or discard in the abuse.  One day you are the princess on the pedestal and next day America’s most wanted.

I experienced both a malignant and covert narcissist. The malignant narcissist was the physical abuser. Like I previously stated, this particular abuser began with mental abuse like I just described. His grooming/love bombing stage didn’t last as long as the covert narcissist. The physical abuse he ensued was within 6 to 12 months whereas the covert was insidiously slow to where I didn’t even realize what was happening to me. So slow and insidious that during the time I was married the love bombing/future faking ended after the wedding ceremony and the very subtle but on-going devaluation began. The devaluation phase is where the identity erosion begins. Now I know you’re wondering why Kim did you not realize this terrible mess was going on? Well, I did see things had changed quickly but I felt since everything was inherently my fault per him that if I did what was expected of me, I would fix all issues in our relationship. I even went to couple counseling ALONE.  Yes alone. Of course, I spewed my whole life during these sessions. I was told that he had narcissistic tendencies. I discounted what she told me and played it off as well I need help fixing myself. I, of course, needed help with many issues but the problems were not all MY FAULT.

Typing these words out right now makes me so dang mad at myself.  I lived with neglect, gaslighting, rejection, withholding love, affection, and sex. Also keeping me out of their personal loop of activities where I would not be able to attend certain activities. I know you’re still wondering why I stayed well it was a combination of many things, fear, finances, family, fear of never finding love again, the constant cycles also left me trauma bonded, but most of all I felt that if I was obedient to God and prayed for this man’s heart, soul, and mind to change I wouldn’t have to leave. Guys, I wasted so many years living in fear. So many years of loneliness, defeat, and feeling unloved. But then again what if God in His mercy and grace was preparing me to be able to tell ALL of my story. What if He allowed me to go through all this survive it all and to be totally healed in the end from it all. EVERYTHING. I have no doubt His hand was in the details. I had so many people around me praying and loving on me especially the last year of the marriage and since. God is good. These toxic relationships are debilitating. They crush your spirit and soul, leave you wondering if your sane, or even if you’re the narcissist. Don’t worry if you’ve ever wondered if you’re a narcissist you aren’t.  You have questioned it therefore you aren’t because a true narcissist doesn’t question their feelings, nor do they care.

Looking back, I see each red flag.  There is just not enough education on these issues and although back in the day when I needed to research unfortunately there wasn’t any internet. Nowadays, you can google anything.  Which by the way if you find yourself googling behaviors you probably not in a good relationship. There are countless books available now about narcissistic behaviors in people. All I know is that my unhealed issues and deep empathy made me a perfect target. Also, I have worked closely with these types of personalities three that I know of two of which I worked with while being married to one. So, it’s not always a spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend. It can be your parents, teachers, boss, or coworker.

As always, I have found writing this post therapeutic and cleansing and I hope that if there is anyone reading this also living this life that you know there is abundant hope in your recovery from trauma. We don’t want to just heal and live but to THRIVE. God will always work out the good for our lives even in the worst chaos and pain.

This week has been pretty difficult for me. I’ve been triggered more than I really want to admit to, but transparency is necessary here if I am to do this blog and anyone who needs to know this justice. It’s funny how we can be going along in our daily lives so dang happy and all of a sudden words, actions, or memories trigger the most unhappy and terrible portions of your life.

So, allow me first to explain what a trigger is. These triggers come from having a long exposure to mental, physical abuse, or other traumatic events. In technical terms, they are things or stimulus that prompt or provoke an involuntary recall of a previous traumatic event. These triggers sneak up on you when you least expect them and can be potentially very frightening or just merely something that reminds you of words that were said that made you feel a particular way or experiences that occurred that were truly terrifying. These triggers also occur with grief as well. Triggers can be holidays, anniversaries of an event, smells, items, specific places, seeing someone that reminds you of someone connected to a traumatic event, and internal triggers such as anxiety, anger, feeling abandoned, memories, feeling lonely, or frustration.

I have learned that these triggers never go away especially since I’ve spent most of my life in situations that have been so toxic. They don’t always affect me in the same way and sometimes not at all.  With techniques that I learned in therapy and in my own research they are manageable so if this is you today wondering why can’t these stop, there is hope for you. We do have to first recognize our triggers and what I do is listen to my mind and body because that’s where the emotional response lies such as my heart pounding what feels like out of my chest, with my triggers an upset stomach usually occurs as well and of course shaking hands. I generally realize what is happening and stop to see where it came from. This week at work I had a person tell me I was terrible at what I did. Now if you know this people pleasing freak that I am you also know that this was a huge trigger. This one began in childhood so it’s a deep one. What happened next was that I immediately was aware what I felt and told myself that I was good enough and always had been. Next I put myself in her shoes and thought I bet she’s having a bad day and is frustrated. My reply was that I was terribly sorry she felt that way towards me and that I had done my best to accommodate her needs and make her feel welcome. She did call back the next day to apologize for being rude and she admitted she was frustrated. This, of course, made me feel better but it also helped me know I had handled the situation better than I would have before as well. There have been a few more this week as well but dealing more with grief such as a smell that reminded me of my daddy. Yesterday, I was in a store and saw this huge black lab and just about lost it. Missing our loved ones is perfectly normal. I, at one time, would deny those feelings but now in this healing journey, I use them as learning tools to gather information on the root cause and hopefully go back to the event or thought and see where it threatens me. I also would deny these feelings because I felt that it wasn’t ok to sit them with or admit I even had triggers. You know like, “hey I’m fine nothing is wrong with me and it’s not ok for me to have those thoughts or feelings you’re having the past is past go on girl”. This only prolongs the pain and healing. I’ve learned to accept and sit with those feelings and allow myself to dig deep within, pray, write about them and deal with them. Just remember that healing is a life-long journey and it’s ok not to be ok. You’ve got this, God has this, and so do I.