Our Rising Hope

This week the words shame and fear came to me, of course, via this week’s episode of “Be still Kimberly”. I’m so glad that He gave me a sense of humor! As I started thinking and praying about those two words and what they had been in my life, I realized that shame has been a very unfriendly feeling of mine most of my life. Again, that inner child had felt shame from not feeling adequate for my mother’s unconditional love, and again when I was being beaten and cheated on, and again for not being good enough to be fully loved in my last relationship, but most all for allowing myself to be treated the way I have and allowed the toxicity to engulf me. Shame is basically a feeling of inadequacy or disgrace. I can remember for years I wouldn’t speak of my former life especially the physical and mental abuse although I did nothing wrong but allow it to continue. It was when I started actually speaking of those atrocities that I realized I had not done anything bad or wrong and they should be spoken. I also realized that fear is born out of shame. All those times I wanted and knew I needed to get a new life and away from the toxicity and abuse I was in fear. Fear of the unknown, fearful no one would love me, fearful of being alone, fearful of disappointing others in my life but in reality, I was afraid of facing the shame that had been buried in me for so long. I was fearful of actually telling anyone about all the terrible situations I had lived through.  We should never allow the fear of being alone to keep us in situations that we are already alone in. Folks, shame and fear are no feelings to keep. They bind you down so deep. Our enemy is the true giver of these feelings because he likes to keep us bound in shame so we can’t live in hope, peace and the mercy of Christ. “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:5. Basically saying in my terms that we have hope and God’s love poured out for us which means we carry this love with us in our hearts to depend on and not to feel shameful but live in His peace that He’s provided for us.

Our Heavenly Father does not want us to live in shame or fear. He wants us to bring all our dirty and terrible to His feet and lay them down so that He can take those dirty messes and turn them into something pure and clean. A purpose, our story, our witness for others to hear and see to encourage and help them when they face those same areas. When I face those shameful and fearful feelings I can truly be liberated through God’s grace, love and mercy and tell my story with courage to give Him the Glory He deserves and encourage and help someone else. Shame and fear have NO place in our minds and hearts.

I rebelled against God and my mother most of my life even after accepting Christ as my Savior. I only walked in faith partly. Once I chose to totally surrender myself, I’ve grown to know that it is He that I am most careful not to disappoint or let down. I once did a bible study called Respect Dare by Nina Rosner and the biggest and best thing that came from that intense study was that I had been so disobedient to God for so long it absolutely crushed me to know how deeply I had pained my Heavenly Father. Over the last ten to fifteen years, my obedience and love for God has grown and I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He saved me from destruction and has set me on this path to heal totally, learn, encourage and to help others like myself overcome trauma and live in peace and happiness.

God Himself, tells us to guard our hearts and minds as stated in Proverbs 4:23 and Philippians 4:7. God also had boundaries for Himself. He would set time apart to pray and be away from the crowds. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult for most of us to make and keep boundaries, but it is. One of the biggest issues with being an empathetic person is not having boundaries in place and loving yourself enough to enforce your boundaries. Boundaries are like our property lines they show where one thing ends, and another begins. To me the boundaries I place are not so much about keeping others away or out but keeping me within my parameters safe and peaceful. They are an essential and necessary part of our healing. Healthy boundaries actually create trust and help form and build healthy relationships. When placing boundaries in our relationships we create and form respect. I’ve learned that if someone truly loves or cares about you, they will respect boundaries you’ve placed. They also help create safety in our relationships.  Our boundaries will change as we heal and grow. Mine have changed in just a year. In my case the more I love myself I place more boundaries around me to safeguard my peace. Peace is a sweet, sweet feeling after being in toxic relationships one after another. There is absolutely nothing better than going home and looking forward to your evening in peace.

Sometimes situations can arise that we didn’t realize we needed boundaries and after we experience it, we realize a boundary is much needed. There’s really no set guideline for making boundaries, each individual has their own. What may be a boundary for one will not hold true for another person. I personally call them hard stops. When we take the time to set these hard stops, we are helping people respect or show up for us, and we also become better at respecting them as well.

There are different types of boundaries/hard stops; physical, emotional, material, intellectual, sexual, and time. Again, these all are based on the individuals needs and wants from their standpoint. Some examples of each are such as when someone stands to close to me, and they are in my personal bubble. Another one of course is being touched in a manner you don’t like or that’s inappropriate.  A material boundary example is someone taking something of mine without permission or letting someone borrow a book and not returning it promptly or not at all. An emotional boundary is learning and recognizing how much emotional energy we can take into ourselves and validation of feelings for others and respecting their ability to take the emotional information.  An intellectual boundary may sound like, not talking about a situation at the moment but requesting to address it at a later time.

Some examples of my hard stops are:

• Valuing my opinions
• Not compromising my personal values
• Knowing my personal needs and wants and actually communicating them.
• Saying no instead of yes, all the time.
• Staying focused on my personal growth and healing
• Trusting my decisions
• Not allowing others to deter my direction on those decisions
• Know who I am and what I want
• Keeping track of red flags instead of ignoring them.

Unhealthy boundaries/hard stops are making someone the center of your world, changing how you dress or behave because of what someone thinks, all or nothing thinking, and not noticing how your boundaries are being overstepped. These only leave you feeling resentful over time and codependent in the relationship.

I decided on my healing journey that I would not allow fear of rejection, abandonment, disappointment or people not liking me to stand in the way of me making my hard stops. Having these fears are what kept me unhappy and in toxic relationships. Fears also make it uncomfortable to change. Change is necessary in healing for all of us. My hard stops are what is important and makes me comfortable which is necessary for my well-being as well as my self-love. As I’ve practiced my hard stops, I’ve gained peace, confidence, safety, worthiness, and overcome fears that was not possible before.

I’m just going to say wow here! Just wow. I have boxes of journals that I’ve written over the years on everything but this portion of my life. So, when I started my morning today as always, I get my Bible and devotional books and of course my coffee. Jesus and coffee go hand in hand with me. And bam! Once again, my daily devotional was “Be still and know” and then I thought isn’t that ironic, well if you know me at all once that thought crossed, I immediately sang “Isn’t it Ironic” by Alanis Morissette. Ya’ll, I speak and sing lyrics in the midst of everything. Anyway, after that digression let me explain… I have been writing this post for a few days and every time I got to the computer, I felt shame and regret. So, to further explain I felt shame and regret for wasting so many years not totally healing and going down these terrible paths of toxic people in my life. This morning I realized that we cannot avoid the toxic people that come into our lives at all and in my stillness with God this morning I also realized that I should never regret one second of my life because He will bring the goodness out of all of my bad choices healed and unhealed messes. Our healing is never really completed either there will always be pieces that pop up to be reconciled with. So today was another epiphany moment for me not to live in regret or shame because first of all because I can’t go back and change anything in my past, I can however allow God to use my story of healing from it all for His purposes and glory so let’s next dive into the process of my inner child healing.  

I’ve learned that becoming aware of the issue is the first step. I walked around pretending that I wasn’t chasing after love or validation all of my adult life. We will always encounter toxicity but how we handle that is an entirely different post.  Next, I needed to accept the wounds and be open to “get to know” it or rather feel the wounds. That was a difficult step for me recollecting how they actually played out in childhood. The hardest part was realizing that memories such as being cuddled and snuggled first thing in the morning in later years were replaced with stringent goals that were almost impossible to making such as straight A’s. I would make an A and it wouldn’t be high enough or my weight was also an issue. It was always attaining some goal only to have the goal post moved yet again. We always chase that first feeling of love, it’s like an addicted person chasing after a high. I thought if I am better at what she wants from me she will love me again. These overwhelming expectations became so difficult I became anorexic to gain control of something in my life. Of course, back then no one knew what it was actually going on with me medically, and I had my parents worried to death, but I was in control of my food and body. Not my mother. I loved both my parents. My daddy was an amazing man. He taught me how to shoot, work on cars, work hard at everything you do, to never give up, and how to love unconditionally. I won’t lie my mother, on the other hand, taught me how not to behave. That if I were to be a mother, I would do the exact opposite of what she had done. She was a very unhappy woman looking back I see this everywhere. Looking back, I also see a woman who probably had her own trauma somewhere and didn’t know how to heal it. I’m not mad at her or bitter. I forgive her just as I’ve forgiven everyone else in my life and at times this is on a daily basis.

The next crucial step for healing the inner child is to take responsibility for my actions which in my case were many but one important one is that I never fully came to terms with the healing that needed to take place and I should validate my inner child when I felt wounded. An example of this is to visualize myself holding my inner child, say things that I wish my mother had said to me. Such as you did a great job in school, you look beautiful today, and I’m so proud of the woman you’re becoming. And this morning, while I was still in His presence, God reminded me that I am His and He loves me just the way I am and always has!

I didn’t understand why I felt so compelled to change my name after my divorce. I literally had never changed it back to my maiden name for thirty plus years, but the urge was so strong, so I went through all the steps to change it. The day I went to court it was obvious, God knew that it was needed, and it was then at that moment I understood the healing that had to take place. See, I had spent most of my adult life running away from Kimberly Williams and that day I took her back. In this identity/name change I found the little girl who thought she wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough to be loved so for a lifetime I had tried to look for love and validation from others, thus spending most of my adult life with toxicity and narcissistic men. I, in the midst, of an avalanche of feelings remembered my devotion earlier that simply was “Be still and know” Psalm 46:10 so there I was laughing, crying, and realizing how I had run so far away from all those feelings of my childhood. Stopped, was still in His Presence and began to totally embrace my inner child. I told her that God so loved her, that she was fearfully and wonderfully made by Him. I told her how sorry I was for not healing her and running for all these long years. Then and right there I truly felt like I was holding this little girl. I told her how beautiful and intelligent she was and to never be afraid of who she is because she shines like a bright diamond.

Chasing love that’s not truly real love has been a miserable and disappointing lifestyle. Because true love first comes from knowing our Heavenly Father and secondly loving ourselves even the broken torn messes that we are or become. Self-love and knowing our Heavenly Father’s love for us are crucial to every aspect of our lives without these components we are shallow and not truly capable of true relationships. So while I grieved a marriage and life I no longer have, I also grieved so much wasted time not loving this girl because she was beautiful, kind, smart, and so loving and caring. This girl has grown into a woman that realizes worth, love and relationships are better formed as healthy healed adults and so looking forward to what lies ahead of her with the biggest smile on her face and happiest heart. From that day forward I have proudly stated my full name Kimberly Williams with the absolute biggest smile on my face. Because that afternoon, I made real peace with the child and identity I had for so long run from.

On our rising hope journey, we will most likely cry together, get raw with emotion but most of all never give up on loving and finding out who we are as individuals and continue to heal from what ever trauma we may have endured. I will be traveling through inner child healing, physical and mental abuse, healing from grief, and helpful ideas for healing from each. So very glad you are with me, and I look forward to getting to know you! You can reach out to me at info@ourrisinghope.com.