One of the most painful situations in my relationship with a covert narcissist was when the triangulation entered into the mix. This toxic relationship had layers after layers of manipulation, gaslighting, stone walling, and silent treatment. The triangulation is where the abuser uses yet another manipulation tactic where they don’t directly communicate with another but uses a third person for the communication which forms a triangle. This manipulation strategy abuses both the victim and the third party. This manipulation comes in a variety of forms such as bad mouthing, comparing, and gaslighting. This can drive a wedge between family members, coworkers, friends, and siblings.
My experience with this abusive manipulation was gut wrenching. Not only did I have layers of other abusive tactics but this one in particular is still very painful and very hard to write about. I will say here that when you’re trauma bonded you don’t see situations occurring in real time very clearly. It’s almost as if you are in a fog or having an outer body experience. Although I knew that there was long term manipulation within the family members it still never dawned on me that what I was witnessing before my very own eyes was triangulation. This particular incidence of manipulation absolutely breaks my heart even to this day. This also is something I must forgive on a daily basis because this triangulation was between myself and one of our grandchildren. Just as the abuse itself was slow so was the triangulation. It began subtly, such as the abuser wanting to be better than me at playing, ideas, or snacks. Anything that would make him look or be perceived as the “better” grandparent. He always had to be superior. Now myself, I like just being me, so I didn’t pay much attention to the “competition” he had placed into this scenario. Then it was like every time the grandchild came over there were “secrets” that they had that the grandchild was not supposed to tell me. During the time they were at the house the abuser would constantly belittle, demean, and ridicule me about everything that was said or done. Eventually, I started to hate the time they were there because of the mental cruelty taking place and I had been triangulated out of the child’s life. When I would try to approach the subject, he would play it off like I was crazy typical gaslighting technique and the feelings and I’m sure pain on my face finally reached the parents and I honestly didn’t know how to explain what was happening except that I missed the relationship I once had with their child and what was happening was not my fault. I don’t even know how to express my feelings on how terrible and brutal this was for me. My daughter in particular saw this happening firsthand and even though she told me what was happening I chose to stay in this and did not fully understand the depth of the mental abuse that was occurring nor its impact on me or the other family members. This situation left all members who knew frustrated and hurt.
It’s heartbreaking to realize that this man could use a defenseless child in this manipulation that supposedly was the “favorite”. Another part of the manipulation was that my own grandson had requested a toy box built similar to another built and he found excuse after excuse not to finish. It took over 2 years to complete and deliver, nor was it what my grandson had asked for originally. The manner in which he manipulated his entire family is appalling. It’s also heartbreaking to know that everything you thought was real about the man you married is all a big lie and that your marriage was all based on lie after lie. The mental abuse I endured is worse than any beating I ever had from my first husband.
Why did I stay you may be wondering, well I know that I prayed every single day for this man’s heart and mind to change. I also thought that I could “fix” this mess with my love and God’s intervention. As I mentioned earlier, I was trauma bonded and honestly couldn’t make my way out of a wet paper sack. Looking back, yes, I should’ve seen all the red flags, but I didn’t. We only see and hear what we want to see and hear. I also had not healed from any other trauma, so I was craving the chaos of this type of relationship.
Mental abuse is real folks, and it destroys lives, yours and family members. My entire platform on social media is to advocate for all abuses, codependency, and the healing of all. God rescued me from that horrendous mess and has given me a journey of healing that I’m so very grateful for. I’ve said before I’m grateful for all the hot messes I’ve lived through and it’s true without my struggle and pain there would be no healing and platform to share this wonderful journey I am on today with YOU.
I pray for anyone reading this today that is still in this abuse or any abusive relationship that you will allow God to rescue you and begin your healing journey. As always, I’m so grateful for YOU and I pray blessings for you until the next time.