The question of living authentically recently came up and as I was explaining this, I realized how many layers of complexity really are involved. While trauma bonded, I realized that I had lost myself completely for most of my life. So, the process of learning who I am started with peeling back all the layers. Layers of pain, shame, regret, disappointment, and disgust. That process was as hard as breaking the trauma bond. It’s very humbling and disgusting to learn you’ve been addicted to someone’s bad behavior towards you. My fix was validation in the form of dopamine. Whew, so glad I no longer chase that fix. Acceptance of the true issues in those layers is a reckoning met with despair but the realization that you will no longer allow these layers to be a part of your life. I lived behind masks of smiles while the shame, pain, and regret ate me alive.
I still have moments that I allow the enemy to pierce me with the shame, but those days are fewer and farther between. Although people that have been abused mentally and physically did nothing to deserve these actions, we still have the shame that we allowed it to continue or how we allowed it to begin in the first place. Forgiving myself in the healing process was the most crucial part. I first had to accept my part in the relationships I had been in and forgive my thought processes and behaviors I had in place for survival. Acceptance and forgiveness go hand in hand in our healing just as our faith does. We accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, and in that acceptance, we allow Him to wash us clean of our sins. He forgives us and we must forgive ourselves as well. There’s true freedom in this as well as our acceptance and forgiveness in ourselves. That freedom allows for us to begin learning who we are authentically. What passions lie under the hidden parts of ourselves. The hot mess selves that we’ve hidden for years because who we were was not acceptable to those who pretended to love us or be our partners. I found who I am authentically totally unapologetically. I must admit that I’m still a hot mess but the absolute happiest and real I’ve ever been. Singing at work, speaking lyrics, dancing wherever and whenever, or just breaking out in laughter. This girl has found her true self. I do however have a confession here, I’ve embraced all parts of the bad, ugly truths but never accepted my age. NEVER. Well, I’m approaching the big one. The big 60. So, in this new authentic and unapologetically me life I also am accepting this age. I may be 60 but I will most likely still identify as 35. Accepting the facts do not make us less. Just because I’m 60 that doesn’t mean my life is over, not a chance my life has just started. The age just as all my past pain and brokenness does not define me, God does, and He’s not done with me. Don’t ever allow the enemy to tell you that you are less than because of your age, past mistakes, terrible relationships, addictions, or difficult life. You are worthy of healing all the unspoken broken and most of all thriving happily ever after. So glad you are on this healing journey with me. Blessings until the next time.