I sure hope that you all had a great holiday season. I did. I enjoyed every second spent with my family. I did, however, have a “different” New Year’s Eve this year. I spent it sitting in feelings and emotions that wouldn’t leave my thoughts, so I just prayed and sat with them. Nothing bad or hurtful just layers of grief for several things. God never ceases to amaze me by literally stilling me in whatever I need to sit with, and it honestly feels that He’s holding me while I sit with the thoughts and feelings. One of those grief feelings was that I lost my fur baby last year at this time and I sure miss him. I can see another black lab and I lose my breath at times. I had and loved this baby for 16 years. The other grief was that I had lost so much valuable time not being who I was purposed to be in my faith and more time lost to running away from the pain of trauma for my lifetime. The other grief was that I am just now at 59 years old and finally happy for the first time in my entire life. Like why I had to wait until now and goodness gracious at all the pain. Of course, this was all the enemy. He was trying to convince me that I couldn’t make a difference in lives or that it was too late for me to be truly happy with myself or anyone else. This all was on the upcoming full moon and mercury retrograde and I obviously needed to sit alone with God. The enemy will use any weapon he can find to stop you from moving forward into God’s plans. At any rate, here I was feeling healed and broken and a hot mess all at the same time. This is where I’m sure that all of us can be at no matter where we are in our healing journey or our faith and service to God. I listened to praise music, journaled, and prayed that night. It was much needed and in this time a song came on “Same God” by Elevation. I just sang it all out! “My God, My God, I need you now….” kept it on repeat and just let it the lyrics of God’s goodness wash all over me. As I was journaling, I realized these “feelings” are normal at times and just part of why we walk by faith and God’s plan. If we allow Him to sit and still us and let Him cover us with His promises and love, we overcome the enemy’s lies and deceptions. I could have easily fell into the enemy’s trap and wallowed in pity and pain and not continue to work in God’s purpose and plan for my life. Instead, after sitting still with the Lord, I was filled with an even greater desire and hunger for Him and the purpose and cause He has placed onto my heart and soul.
You see we can be healing and still feel broken at the same time. Our healing is not a destination we reach where we are perfect and whole. We may feel peace and happiness but it’s not the destination but the journey whereby we continue to grow in our faith and knowledge of healing. It is also where we touch others lives around us with our knowledge and God’s love. Within this journey we have to learn to accept and embrace all those “feelings and emotions” that may break us for a time but as we heal, we rebuild. Everything a person has endured through their trauma or heartache has a learning experience that will derive from it, allowing those feelings that we once ran from to be apart of our lives is hard and daunting but so worth it to be able to move forward into true happiness and acceptance of ourselves.
So, I realized that night, that I hadn’t wasted time or got things wrong. This was indeed God’s plan and perfect timing for my life. I’m so very glad that He is using this hot mess for His purpose to help encourage, educate, and love on others just like me on this healing journey. So glad you are here with me. Blessings to you and yours until the next time.