Wow, it’s been a busy busy first couple weeks of January! I hope you all have been doing well and staying well. I’ve been surrounded by sick folks. Fortunately, I am a firm believer in healthy supplements, so I have managed to stay well, as I knock on wood! Needless to say, I’ve also seen some pain that reminded me of one of the hardest times of my life. I’ve often been asked why you didn’t just leave your abuser. Well, I will tell you why.
It all starts with the conditioning. See, it’s slow, it’s manipulative, it’s methodical, it’s controlling, and it’s isolating. I will say this being a two-time survivor of abuse is that in the beginning, you don’t realize it’s going in that direction at all. This is especially true if you are not a healed person who has healthy boundaries. These circumstances are perfect for these types of abusers to find a safe haven with no boundaries and someone seeking “love” even if it’s not real love. When you don’t know yourself, you don’t love yourself therefore you can’t really know what love is either. Don’t get me wrong I know God loves me and I love my children and grandchildren but until I started healing and really peeled back the layers of pain and healed those areas I first of all didn’t know who I was much less liked myself. Now of course I have those boundaries and can “smell” a narcissist or toxic person a mile away.
The next reason it’s hard is fear. Financial fears, fear of the unknown, fearful of what they will do, and overcoming the thoughts they’ve placed in your mind that you can’t do it alone, you can’t do anything right, you will never be able to find anyone that will take you and your child, and in my particular situation I was in fear of my life. No matter what the fear might be it’s all due to the mental and physical abuse and conditioning that’s traumatized you. I mean how many times did I need to be told that I was worthless, ugly, and stupid before I started believing these words about myself. This caused low self-esteem and zero ability to make decisions. I was unable to keep a job due to all the broken bones and bruises so that made it hard for me to save money to get away. But I would save a bit here and there from grocery money and stash it away to make my getaway.
Another reason it’s hard is denial, embarrassment, and shame. I didn’t tell my family what was happening to me. Ever. Like how could I? At the beginning of the abuse, I was in total denial and made excuses for his behavior. I wasn’t really embarrassed until much later down the road, and I rarely spoke of this part of my life. It was not until my last major life mistake that I decided to not only heal from it all but speak out about my personal experiences to help others who may feel like I had for all those years.
I had absolutely no idea what I would face later down that road and the only real plan I had was that my friend drive me to my parents to get one of my Dad’s cars. All I told him was that I had a job offer in Atlanta which I did and that my baby and I were going to move into my friends in Chamblee until I could get on my feet. I went back down to Florida and lined up a moving truck and I would pack up our things when my husband went to work. I arranged for the friends I was to move in with to come down on a particular day and come right after he went to work. We packed all of our belongings and left town. My sweet friend who just did this had the exact same reaction I did. We shook while packing and leaving but we never let it show and felt like we were going to throw up. We were both told that we looked so strong, but inside we were shattered completely. We held our heads high not knowing what our future would be. Well, I know her future is just beginning to look different just like mine did. I pray that she stays strong and unharmed!
It took me 30-plus years to be able to go back there and not be triggered. The greatest part of healing is gaining true freedom from all that haunts us. So grateful to be on this side of my healing journey and that you all are with me here. I do have a favor to ask of you, please pray for all who are still in abusive relationships and especially for my precious friend. She has a long road of healing. Appreciate you all. Blessings until the next time!