Hello friends, this healing journey and self-discovery of who Kimberly really is began two years ago. It’s crazy to think it’s been that long but it has. I prayed for the end of that crazy toxic relationship. I had prayed for ten long years for God to change his heart and mind and within those last few years, I prayed for God to rescue me because I didn’t know how or what to do. In the end, I knew I deserved better than what I was enduring. I was so trauma bonded from the toxic behaviors I didn’t know up from down.
One of my journal entries from two years ago had these words: I am scared. I am overwhelmed. I am an insecure mess. I am a total wreck. I am a people pleaser. I don’t know who I am anymore. I need you God. And yes I did for sure. He certainly didn’t leave me in that state. Wow how far I’ve come from the day of those entries!
The months and weeks after that became the journey of knowledge on narcissistic behaviors, how to heal from trauma, set boundaries, find who I truly was, and more importantly, at that time being no contact to break the trauma bond. Each day that passed in those early months of freedom was a victory and when that bond had finally broken, I became a much happier and stronger woman. Peeling back every layer of trauma became a determination and goal to ensure that I would never allow myself to be targeted by a narcissistic or toxic individual.
I would have never made it through those first few months without God’s loving arms around me and I can assure you that it was God, my children, and close friends that kept me sane. Mixed with so many emotions from being manipulated, gaslit, and emotionally and physically neglected, left me with a menagerie of crazy thoughts of whether I was responsible for the downfall of the relationship or of my own self-worth. Never had I felt so helpless and hopeless. Through the initial peeling back of layers, I realized that I was not responsible for his bad behaviors and toxicity and that I was indeed worthy. God’s rescue in this made me feel His love so deeply and it was in this that I knew my worth was in Him, the One who created me.
I will warn those who are healing like me from a traumatic relationship, these folks like to “test the waters” from time to time and do what is called a hoover. This is where they will make up an excuse to talk or see you randomly to see if they still have that power over you. This did happen to me, and I was grateful for the healing, the trauma bond being broken, and the knowledge I had acquired about this toxic personality. They come back to apologize with tears of absolute regret but don’t be fooled.
Two years of healing has had me up and down and all around, to say the least, but every high and low has been worth it for me to be here typing these words to you and allowing God to use me through my pain and healing. So very grateful that I no longer feel those words I wrote in that journal entry two years ago. I’ve been so incredibly blessed with wonderful friends, my church family, and my Celebrate Recovery family as well. Blessed to be able to help those who like me have been traumatized by abusive relationships and even more blessed to be able to give Him the glory for it all.
So, here’s to two years of healing! I’m encouraged and grateful and I pray you are as well. Let’s keep healing together, shall we? I see a future of happiness and continued thriving with many blessings ahead for us all. Thank you for being on this journey with me.