Well Mother’s Day was an amazing day for me, it’s always a day of reflection of my own mother and also the journey of motherhood with my two joys. My children always out do themselves. If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you know that my mother was the root of my codependency so while I will still always love and honor her, I’ve also had to forgive her every stinking day of my life. As I sat in church last week listening to our pastor talk about the influence mother’s have all I could think about is what she taught me not to do. Not to ridicule, or have too many expectations, or belittle, or manipulate. She basically was absolutely the most difficult woman I’ve ever encountered. She treated my father in the same manner, so I swear he must’ve been a saint. When I started my healing journey, I was still very trauma bonded from my last marriage, and the day I took my maiden name back I realized what I had ran from for 30 plus years was that little girl who felt worthless and unloved. The journey of peeling back those childhood layers was difficult to say the least but very rewarding in the fact that I realized that my mother never seemed happy, she was soured, and bitter. Once I realized that this woman obviously was a wounded soul herself it made me feel sorry for her and also shed light on the other people who had hurt me as well. People who are hurt souls if not healed properly or in the right frame of mind hurt others as well. Forgiveness then takes a different look when you view it from that angle. Forgive but not forget has become a daily motto for me.
I was not a perfect mother by any means. I had way too many faults and my repetitive bad men choices I know caused a great deal of problems in my children growing up. Needless to say, thinking about the pastor’s sermon on Exodus 2 was about the faith that Jochebed had placing baby Moses in the Nile. Although I didn’t have a mother’s unconditional love, she did teach me how not to be, so my unconditional love I have for my two took on a whole new meaning and level. There was absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do to protect those babies of mine even in the middle of my insanity of bad choices. Which brings me back to faith and God’s will. I did the very best I could do for children at the time and at times I did beat myself over the choices I made, but God. God knew beforehand every single choice and situation and He loved me through it all and rescued me. He kept my children safe from harm and they both have become wonderful, productive, intelligent, and loving adults. There are no surprises to God and those messes happen so that we have a testimony to share with those around us. Instead of being bitter this year about my mother’s influence I saw it through God’s eyes and realized that all the things and deep valleys He was there with me, and I can assure each of you that He is with you no matter what you are dealing with right now. Even in our I don’t have a clue how this is going to come out moments, He does, and He will provide a way through it if we will only allow Him to do so.
Surrendering to His will is a crucial part of our faith and one that I have to do daily and tell myself not to pick back up what I have surrendered. Romans 8:28 tells us that “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for the good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” This good is not necessarily an earthly comfort but one that brings us closer to Him, brings Him Glory, and one that may further His kingdom. Which for most of us on a healing journey we’ve seen Him turn our lives into a testimony of His goodness and mercy. Lately, I have had many moments of surrender, forgiveness, grace, and ah ha moments that have made me more peaceful regarding my past hurts and bad decisions. We just have to remember that alignment in His will and word has to be in the forefront of our daily lives, because with Him all things are possible. I’m so very grateful for you on this journey with me and I pray blessings for you until the next time.