I’ve been asked so many questions the last few weeks about dealing with mental abuse so I thought I would share a bit about this subject. I want to, first of all, say that since I have dealt with both mental and physical abuse, and I am by no means certified I can only share my story about these issues. My experience with physical abuse and the research I have done on this suggests that physical abuse begins usually with mental abuse which involves grooming and love bombing. The folks that are not physically abusive are great with the love bombing stage or the grooming phase. The love bombing/grooming phase which consists of a constant showering of attention, sometimes gifts, and future faking. This phase is a series of manipulative acts that includes befriending, setting up the emotional connection and gaining trust. This phase is a baiting of the victim is a personalized idealization where the personal background and past hurts will be used later in the cycle. In other words, their words will never meet their actions or intentions. This is where the “mask” is their fake façade. The narcissist uses cycles of love bombing or idealization, devaluation, and rejection or discard in the abuse. One day you are the princess on the pedestal and next day America’s most wanted.
I experienced both a malignant and covert narcissist. The malignant narcissist was the physical abuser. Like I previously stated, this particular abuser began with mental abuse like I just described. His grooming/love bombing stage didn’t last as long as the covert narcissist. The physical abuse he ensued was within 6 to 12 months whereas the covert was insidiously slow to where I didn’t even realize what was happening to me. So slow and insidious that during the time I was married the love bombing/future faking ended after the wedding ceremony and the very subtle but on-going devaluation began. The devaluation phase is where the identity erosion begins. Now I know you’re wondering why Kim did you not realize this terrible mess was going on? Well, I did see things had changed quickly but I felt since everything was inherently my fault per him that if I did what was expected of me, I would fix all issues in our relationship. I even went to couple counseling ALONE. Yes alone. Of course, I spewed my whole life during these sessions. I was told that he had narcissistic tendencies. I discounted what she told me and played it off as well I need help fixing myself. I, of course, needed help with many issues but the problems were not all MY FAULT.
Typing these words out right now makes me so dang mad at myself. I lived with neglect, gaslighting, rejection, withholding love, affection, and sex. Also keeping me out of their personal loop of activities where I would not be able to attend certain activities. I know you’re still wondering why I stayed well it was a combination of many things, fear, finances, family, fear of never finding love again, the constant cycles also left me trauma bonded, but most of all I felt that if I was obedient to God and prayed for this man’s heart, soul, and mind to change I wouldn’t have to leave. Guys, I wasted so many years living in fear. So many years of loneliness, defeat, and feeling unloved. But then again what if God in His mercy and grace was preparing me to be able to tell ALL of my story. What if He allowed me to go through all this survive it all and to be totally healed in the end from it all. EVERYTHING. I have no doubt His hand was in the details. I had so many people around me praying and loving on me especially the last year of the marriage and since. God is good. These toxic relationships are debilitating. They crush your spirit and soul, leave you wondering if your sane, or even if you’re the narcissist. Don’t worry if you’ve ever wondered if you’re a narcissist you aren’t. You have questioned it therefore you aren’t because a true narcissist doesn’t question their feelings, nor do they care.
Looking back, I see each red flag. There is just not enough education on these issues and although back in the day when I needed to research unfortunately there wasn’t any internet. Nowadays, you can google anything. Which by the way if you find yourself googling behaviors you probably not in a good relationship. There are countless books available now about narcissistic behaviors in people. All I know is that my unhealed issues and deep empathy made me a perfect target. Also, I have worked closely with these types of personalities three that I know of two of which I worked with while being married to one. So, it’s not always a spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend. It can be your parents, teachers, boss, or coworker.
As always, I have found writing this post therapeutic and cleansing and I hope that if there is anyone reading this also living this life that you know there is abundant hope in your recovery from trauma. We don’t want to just heal and live but to THRIVE. God will always work out the good for our lives even in the worst chaos and pain.