This week has been pretty difficult for me. I’ve been triggered more than I really want to admit to, but transparency is necessary here if I am to do this blog and anyone who needs to know this justice. It’s funny how we can be going along in our daily lives so dang happy and all of a sudden words, actions, or memories trigger the most unhappy and terrible portions of your life.
So, allow me first to explain what a trigger is. These triggers come from having a long exposure to mental, physical abuse, or other traumatic events. In technical terms, they are things or stimulus that prompt or provoke an involuntary recall of a previous traumatic event. These triggers sneak up on you when you least expect them and can be potentially very frightening or just merely something that reminds you of words that were said that made you feel a particular way or experiences that occurred that were truly terrifying. These triggers also occur with grief as well. Triggers can be holidays, anniversaries of an event, smells, items, specific places, seeing someone that reminds you of someone connected to a traumatic event, and internal triggers such as anxiety, anger, feeling abandoned, memories, feeling lonely, or frustration.
I have learned that these triggers never go away especially since I’ve spent most of my life in situations that have been so toxic. They don’t always affect me in the same way and sometimes not at all. With techniques that I learned in therapy and in my own research they are manageable so if this is you today wondering why can’t these stop, there is hope for you. We do have to first recognize our triggers and what I do is listen to my mind and body because that’s where the emotional response lies such as my heart pounding what feels like out of my chest, with my triggers an upset stomach usually occurs as well and of course shaking hands. I generally realize what is happening and stop to see where it came from. This week at work I had a person tell me I was terrible at what I did. Now if you know this people pleasing freak that I am you also know that this was a huge trigger. This one began in childhood so it’s a deep one. What happened next was that I immediately was aware what I felt and told myself that I was good enough and always had been. Next I put myself in her shoes and thought I bet she’s having a bad day and is frustrated. My reply was that I was terribly sorry she felt that way towards me and that I had done my best to accommodate her needs and make her feel welcome. She did call back the next day to apologize for being rude and she admitted she was frustrated. This, of course, made me feel better but it also helped me know I had handled the situation better than I would have before as well. There have been a few more this week as well but dealing more with grief such as a smell that reminded me of my daddy. Yesterday, I was in a store and saw this huge black lab and just about lost it. Missing our loved ones is perfectly normal. I, at one time, would deny those feelings but now in this healing journey, I use them as learning tools to gather information on the root cause and hopefully go back to the event or thought and see where it threatens me. I also would deny these feelings because I felt that it wasn’t ok to sit them with or admit I even had triggers. You know like, “hey I’m fine nothing is wrong with me and it’s not ok for me to have those thoughts or feelings you’re having the past is past go on girl”. This only prolongs the pain and healing. I’ve learned to accept and sit with those feelings and allow myself to dig deep within, pray, write about them and deal with them. Just remember that healing is a life-long journey and it’s ok not to be ok. You’ve got this, God has this, and so do I.