I’m just going to say wow here! Just wow. I have boxes of journals that I’ve written over the years on everything but this portion of my life. So, when I started my morning today as always, I get my Bible and devotional books and of course my coffee. Jesus and coffee go hand in hand with me. And bam! Once again, my daily devotional was “Be still and know” and then I thought isn’t that ironic, well if you know me at all once that thought crossed, I immediately sang “Isn’t it Ironic” by Alanis Morissette. Ya’ll, I speak and sing lyrics in the midst of everything. Anyway, after that digression let me explain… I have been writing this post for a few days and every time I got to the computer, I felt shame and regret. So, to further explain I felt shame and regret for wasting so many years not totally healing and going down these terrible paths of toxic people in my life. This morning I realized that we cannot avoid the toxic people that come into our lives at all and in my stillness with God this morning I also realized that I should never regret one second of my life because He will bring the goodness out of all of my bad choices healed and unhealed messes. Our healing is never really completed either there will always be pieces that pop up to be reconciled with. So today was another epiphany moment for me not to live in regret or shame because first of all because I can’t go back and change anything in my past, I can however allow God to use my story of healing from it all for His purposes and glory so let’s next dive into the process of my inner child healing.
I’ve learned that becoming aware of the issue is the first step. I walked around pretending that I wasn’t chasing after love or validation all of my adult life. We will always encounter toxicity but how we handle that is an entirely different post. Next, I needed to accept the wounds and be open to “get to know” it or rather feel the wounds. That was a difficult step for me recollecting how they actually played out in childhood. The hardest part was realizing that memories such as being cuddled and snuggled first thing in the morning in later years were replaced with stringent goals that were almost impossible to making such as straight A’s. I would make an A and it wouldn’t be high enough or my weight was also an issue. It was always attaining some goal only to have the goal post moved yet again. We always chase that first feeling of love, it’s like an addicted person chasing after a high. I thought if I am better at what she wants from me she will love me again. These overwhelming expectations became so difficult I became anorexic to gain control of something in my life. Of course, back then no one knew what it was actually going on with me medically, and I had my parents worried to death, but I was in control of my food and body. Not my mother. I loved both my parents. My daddy was an amazing man. He taught me how to shoot, work on cars, work hard at everything you do, to never give up, and how to love unconditionally. I won’t lie my mother, on the other hand, taught me how not to behave. That if I were to be a mother, I would do the exact opposite of what she had done. She was a very unhappy woman looking back I see this everywhere. Looking back, I also see a woman who probably had her own trauma somewhere and didn’t know how to heal it. I’m not mad at her or bitter. I forgive her just as I’ve forgiven everyone else in my life and at times this is on a daily basis.
The next crucial step for healing the inner child is to take responsibility for my actions which in my case were many but one important one is that I never fully came to terms with the healing that needed to take place and I should validate my inner child when I felt wounded. An example of this is to visualize myself holding my inner child, say things that I wish my mother had said to me. Such as you did a great job in school, you look beautiful today, and I’m so proud of the woman you’re becoming. And this morning, while I was still in His presence, God reminded me that I am His and He loves me just the way I am and always has!